Day 447: Alone

Yesterday I had to deal with a really hard thing. Without going into detail, let’s just say that I had to face something that was big and scary and potentially very messy. Something that I never asked or hoped for. And I had to do it alone.

That’s the hardest part of all of this, I think. All of the alone.

All-of-the-whole-world-resting-on-your-shoulders kind of alone.

Slowly I’m learning not to carry all of that. Not to even pick it up. To let the things that are too heavy sit where they are and to ignore the things that were never mine to begin with.

Therapy has helped with that. My counselor has helped me give myself permission to choose what I want to carry. To not have to be all things to all people at all times. I know sounds kind of like, “duh,” but you’d be surprised at how easy it can be to try to do and be it all. Or maybe you wouldn’t, because you’ve been here, too, alone.

I have to say I’m proud of how I’m learning and how I’m trying to recognize that I have both God and a plethora of friends on my side. Today when a big problem arose, I consciously made the choice to go first to God. I prayed about what my reaction should be. What I should say. Who I should say it to. What I should not say, because as often is the case, that was probably the most important thing of all.

After that, I called one friend, because I still needed to hash out a few things outloud. Then I called one other friend and asked him to pray with and for me as I went to deal with the mess. Alone but not alone.

As I sat confronting this situation, I was reminded of a similar time a few years back when Vance modeled grace and poise that astounded me at the time. Today I was inspired to act that way myself, thinking as I spoke, how would Vance handle this? What would he say? Again, I was reminded that even from the other side of this life, I am still influenced – made better even – by my life spent with Vance. Alone but not alone.

I don’t yet know how this particular mess will sort itself out. I just know that once more, God has shown me that I am not alone after all.

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