Day 181: Playlist

Since Vance died I started a new Spotify playlist. I call it Grace in the Grief, just like this blog, because just like this blog, I want the music I listen to point me to God. Especially so on the darkest days; the days I am drowning.

I asked my Facebook friends for song suggestions. Some of their music made the list, some of it wasn’t for me and some of it, sadly, I still haven’t listened to yet.

But the ones that have made the cut, they are each and every one, a lifeline. They remind me that I’m not alone. They give me hope. They reassure me. They almost always bring tears but they also bring strength when I am at my weakest.

A lot of the songs I already knew. Their familiarity made them easy to sing along to but there were also a few that were new to me. One of these has become my anthem, heavy in the rotation on my darkest days.

I know it’s all you’ve got to just be strong
And it’s a fight just to keep it together
I know you think that you are too far gone
But hope is never lost
Hope is never lost

Hold on, don’t let go

“You’re Gonna Be OK” by Jenn Johnson

Those first two lines. Um, yeah. Keeping it together is the fight of my life. Being strong enough to get through the day and then through the night and then through the next day…

I know your heart is heavy from those nights
But just remember that you are a fighter
You never know just what tomorrow holds
And you’re stronger than you know

Some nights recently I haven’t felt much like a fighter. With Christmas and the kids busy sports schedules and just… life, I don’t have a lot of fight left in me. I just wanna curl up in my bed and never get out. But the chorus of this song has more than once propelled me to get up, to move, to take one step at a time.

Just take one step closer
Put one foot in front of the other
You’ll get through this
Just follow the light in the darkness
You’re gonna be ok

You know what? I am gonna be ok. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe I will for a while then I’ll slip back into the ugly place. But eventually, I’ll get there. I’ll find a way to make the life I’ve been given meaningful. I’ll get out of bed with purpose. I’ll put my feet on the floor and move one at a time towards the light. Towards the Light of World. Moving forward without moving on.

I’m gonna be ok.

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