This was the first thing I shared publicly after Vance’s death. I wasn’t ready for a large audience but I shared it on my Instagram and in a closed page for VBS directors on Facebook. I had over 200 comments and thousands of reactions. I got private messages from total strangers, many of whom are themselves widows. It was then that I realized that we don’t talk about tragedy nearly enough. I think we need to better understand grief because eventually it comes for all of us.
So here I am, starting a new blog. Documenting this unwanted title of widow. My prayer is that this helps you as you or someone you love grieves and that I honor my husband and his legacy through my writing.
Friday, July 5, 2019
For the last 15 years I have been passionate about leading VBS. Ours starts Sunday night.
We will bury my husband of 20 years on Monday morning. Wednesday he had a massive heart attack out of nowhere and he could not recover. God chose to take him home.
As I drove to the hospital and then watched them try to save him for two long hours I kept looking at my wrist and seeing this bracelet I’d bought for VBS. It says, “When life is unfair… God is good! Nahum 1:7”
Friends, it is so unfair that my four children will not have their father at their graduations, weddings or when they themselves become parents. It is unfair that I am now a widow at age 42. It is unfair that I will not be leading Sing and Play because I’ll be at the funeral home for the visitation. It’s unfair that I spent the day choosing a casket and a burial plot. It’s unfair that all I can pray is simply the name of Jesus because all other words fail me. It’s so unfair.
But my friends, God is still good. He is still who he says he is. He’s a good father. I know that Jesus himself has welcomed my husband into Heaven. God is still good.
If you can, pray for my kids. We will be finding a new normal and it’s going to take some time. Right now we are absolutely devastated. Pray for my amazing church, as they, with my absolute blessing and thanks, are stepping up to make this happen without me. And if I can be so bold as to ask, please pray for me. I didn’t know I could hurt this much. I need grace, mercy, and wisdom. So much to decide and I’m just barely able to even breathe right now.
It just so happens that Nahum 1:7 (which is on the side of the bracelet) was one of Vance’s favorite verses. God is good. All the time.